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Fierce Conversations
Talk by Susan Scott at Microsoft Research, April 2002
Susan talked about her experiences that she has put into a book called
'Fierce Conversations'. She was a great and engaging speaker, and here is
a brief summary of her talk.
"A fierce conversation is not me telling you what I think. A fierce
conversation is one that is passionate, effective, direct, thought provoking,
intense, powerful, robust, untamed, unbridled." A fierce conversation is a
memorable one, that challenges ideas and builds relationships.
3 big ideas:
- Our lives succeed, or fail, one conversation at a time
- The conversation is the relationship
- All conversations are with, and sometimes they involve, other people
When people say 'don't take this personally' what do they really mean?
Of course we are going to take it personally, otherwise what's the point?
If you need to have a difficult conversation, (e.g. one that makes you worried
enough to start with 'don't take this personally') the first 60 seconds are
crucial.
- Name the issue (and keep it to one! Shame on you if there's more
than one issue been left too long to fix)
- Give one specific example to illustrate the issue
- Confess your emotion - shows that you are involved/affected by this
issue and hence need to resolve it
- Say what you feel is at stake - honestly, no matter how difficult.
It gets attention
- Confess what part has your DNA on it - what you contributed (or didn't)
to create this issue
- Say "I want to resolve this with you" - shows you want to move forward
together, not point fingers of blame
- Invite the person to give their take on the situation - and shut up!
Don't defend or argue, just listen.
Tips on what not to do...
- Avoid the 'sugar coated spitball' approach where you are supposed to
start with something nice before delivering the bad news. People will
start putting on the armour whenever you start a conversation with something
nice... Nice things should be part of every day conversations, not
saved up for when you need to deliver some bad news! Are you paying a
sincere compliment, or doing textbook 'good news - bad news'?
- Don't put pillows around the message to avoid hurting feelings
(including your own). You can't avoid emotions so keep them open and
the conversation honest
- And the opposite to the pillows - don't walk into a room, pull the pin,
throw the grenade and exit without pausing to witness the carnage caused.
Take responsibility for the emotional wake you leave. (Emotional wake
is covered in much more detail in the book, this talk focused on the first
60 seconds)
"Fierce conversations take us to a place where we are moved to act."